OK we all have either sent or received a Joke or two on our cell phones via Text Messaging.

I decided to have a place where you can find these jokes to use or at least laugh at.

If you are easily offended PLEASE STOP READING NOW and get off my page!! Some jokes are racist and some are sexist! I am neither! So please DO NOT send me any hate mail! This is merely a collection of Text messages that float around everyday!

I will most likely update this list every week or maybe every day who knows!

And yes I now spelling and grammer are not correct this is how the messages are appearing in text messages!

The Jokes:

1. y is orgasm a 6 letter word? Cuz its easier 2 spell then Ohmygodyesohshitdeeperyesgodpleaseohfuckyes.
2. U r a great friend but if killers were chasing us…I’d trip ur ass & run. It’s all bout survival bitch!
3. Teacher asked johnny ‘why did u bring ur cat 2 school today?’ Johnny (cryin) ‘I heard daddy tell mommy im gonna eat that pussy when the kids leave.’
4. A cat falls in a pool, a rooster laughs. Moral of the story: A wet pussy makes a cock happy.
5. A girl asks her mom, “if u swallow sperm, is that how u get pregnant?” Mom says “no baby, thats how u pay the rent!”
6. A cop stops a hooker and tells her she cant be selling sex. The hooker says im not selling sex. Im selling condoms with a free demo!
7. I had a dream you were drowning and I couldn’t save you, then God appeared and said “fear not my child, turds float!”
8. The US gov decided that in 2009 they will ship all retards away. I started crying when i thought of you. Be strong little buddy. Wear a helmet!!
9. Sexual position 69 is now called 96 due to inflation. The cost of eating out has gone up!
10. DON’T SEND IF U DON’T MEAN IT! No matter where life takes us promise we’ll always be friends. Send to ten good friends or lose ten slowly.
11. Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could lick so fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock and Jill’s real name is Danny!
12. Happy Happy Joy Joy Ur my kinky sex toy. Fuck me Suck me Make me scream. Kinky sex is all I need! Send to ten freaks or be cursed in bed!
13. Call me ASAP!!…I saw on the news that the short bus turned over and I wanted to kno if u had ur helmet on?
14. I need a favor. I’m in jail! They charged me with being the ugliest fucker in America. Come down here & show them they have the wrong person in custody!
15. I made a wish on a falling star for a Hummer with lots of chrome. That damn star sent me a crack whore with braces!
16. Why is oral sex like a cigarette? Because the flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt!
17. Hey dnt txt or call my phone no more! Dats messed up wat u did. Im done with u and stop looking dumb while u read dis cuz u just got PUNKD!!!!
18. I just saw ur twin. No joke! I even shouted ur name. But u just kept scratching ur ass and eating bananas!
19. Why do women wear flowered panties? It’s their way of saying “In Memory of the faces thats been buried here”
20. 2 hoes were walking and 1 hoe said “We ’bout 2 get paid, I smell dick in the air!” The other hoe said “shut up bitch I just burped!”
21. >i< This butterfly is good luck in money and love but you have to keep this lil butterfly alive. Send 2 10 people!
22. 2 Dr.s r laying n bed after sex. He says “U must b an OB-GYN cuz u knw how 2 wrk dat pussy!” She replies “U must b an anesthesiologist cuz I didnt feel shit!”
23. I’ll ride 4u, die 4u, cry 4u, even look a cop straight in the eye and lie 4u. If yet 5 back, damn u got real friends!
24. Man at a bar approaches a beautiful woman…”May I buy u a drink?”…”No thank you alcohol is bad for my legs.”…”Oh, do they swell”…”No, they spread!”
25. Quick! Turn you phone upside down! 370HSSV-O773H Now send to all your silly friends!
26. What’s 6 inches long, is in a man’s pants, has a head on it, and women love to blow it? Yep, Money! Keep it going PERVERT!
27. Man in a hotel bumps into a woman’s tits & says “If ur heart is as soft as ur tits u’ll 4give me.” She says “If ur dick is as hard as ur elbow I’m in room 7.”
28. Ebonics word of the day! “Cologne”…I was wondering if you COLOGNE me $20 till i get my check?
29. I hear the vet clinic was burglarized last nite and that some of the animals were molested. Did you get drunk again?
30. What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, mold them into a tire and call it a Goodyear!
31. Why r men smarter during sex? DUH! bcuz they’re plugged into a genius!
32. IRS has imposed a tax on sex: Kissing-10% Hug-20% Groping-30% Foreplay-50% Fucking-90% and 4 u?, Don’t worry masturbating is still free!
33. NOTICE: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil – the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off!
34. What do you get when a lesbian couple is on the rag? . . . Finger Painting!
35. A blond called 911 to report a fire. The lady asked, “how do we get there?” The blond said, “DUH, The big red truck!”
36. According 2 recent studies, the Blow Job is the healthiest breakfast.. Because it cums w/a sausage, 2 nuts & a protein shake.. Stay Healthy!
37. Lincoln is on the 5 bill, Franklin is on the 100 bill, but I bet if Obama becomes president they will put his black ass on food stamps!
38. Why is it when black people wear their pants below their waist it called “saggin”? . . . Spell it Backwards!
39. Sex is like math: …U add the bed ..subtract the clothes ..divide the legs ..leave your solution ..and pray you don’t multiply!
40. if U have 10 fish and 5 of them drown, but 2 come back to life, how many fish do you have? ..Stop counting u dumbass, fish cant drown!
41. If you sent me chain txts or other promises, NONE of that shit worked! From now on please send money, vodka, weed or a damn gas card!
42. Why are hunters better at sex? …They go deeper into the bush, aim right, shoot more than twice and still eat it afterwards!
43. Why does Laura Bush always get on top? ..Because George W. can only fuck up!
44. A man is dying of CANCER & his son ask, Dad, why do you keep telling people ur dying of AIDS? Dad replies, So when I die nobody fucks ur mom!
45. Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder in Arkansas? ..Because all the DNA is the same & there are no dental records!
46. Who was the greatest prostitute in history? …Ms. PacMan, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died!
47. Ever seen a retard wrapped in plastic? …Just look @ur drivers license!
48. Boy asked his mom “Is it wrong to have a willy?” “No why?” She replies. “Well dads sweating like fuck trying to pull it off!
49. I Heard you got robbed at gunpoint with two options: suck dick or give up ur phone. I see u still got ur phone!
50. Lets test the way u think! …EXAM: thepenisinhermouth. Did you read: The Pen Is In Her Mouth or did u read it wrong u pervert!
51. Whats the difference between a dead black guy on the side of the road and a dead deer on the side of the road? …The skid marks only lead up 2 the deer!
52. Why does miss piggy clean her pussy with honey & lemons? … Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!!
53. If I had a rooster and u had a donkey, and ur donkey ate the feet off my rooster, would that mean u have 2 feet of my cock in your ass?
54. One jar of vaseline-$3. One box of Trojans-$5. Three gay porn dvds-$30. Making your parents think your brother is gay. -Priceless!!
55. 92% of all americans say “OH SHIT” before driving into a ditch. The other 8% are from Texas and we say “Hold my beer and watch this shit!”
56. What did the Alabama Sheriff call a black man who had been shot 15 times? …The worst case of suicide he  d ever seen!
57. The judge asked a prostitute, so when did you realize you had been raped? Wiping away the tears, she replied, when the check bounced!
58. Why does a prostitute make moire profit than a drug dealer? …because she can wash her crack and sell it again!
59. Roses r red. Nuts r brown. Skirts r up. Panties r down. Body 2 body, skin 2 skin. When its stiff, stick it in! Now thats a fuckin love poem!
60. Due 2 flood warnings the govt is evacuating all SEXY people 2 higher ground. I’m texting u 2 say goodbye.  Hope ur ass can swim!
61. Did I like fuck dumb another to it send retard a like this reading time ass sweet your took you since. (read it backwards)
62. They’re filming an underwater movie in New Orleans after Gustav moves through. Its called Finding Negro!
63. Boy in tub with mom ask whats that hairy thing down there? Mom says it my sponge. Son says The babysitter has one. I saw her wash daddys face with it!
64. Pussy is like a peach. It’s fat, full of juice, n if u go in deep enough u get a nut.
65. Say ADDICTED after everything I say… drugs… alcohol… sex… what hit u in the forehead last nite…?
66. Sex is like eating at KFC. Once your done nibbling on the breast and thigh, you have a greasy box to put ur bone in.
67. Sex is like muddin: u c the hole, u ease n2 it slo, and then u give it hell till u blo ur motor!
68. If you opened this you will get an unexpected long kiss on friday, but if u don’t send 2 8 ppl u will lose tha person fallin in love with you
69. Hug metil I hug you back. Trust me til I trust you back. Watch your front cause I got your back. Any real friends will get this back!
70. .**,   ,**.
71. * I love *
72. *. Ya  .*
73. “*,,*”  Pass this heart to all your friends. If 3 come back ur in for good news tonight.
74. I got 3 bitches. Bitch 1 cooks my food. Bitch 2 does my laundry & bitch 3 reads my texts. I see you’re doing your job!
75. Chinese man calls his boss, “Me no work, me sick.” Boss says “When Im sick I fuk my wife, try that.” 2 hrs later he calls back. “Me better, you got nice house.”
76. I miss sucking on it. I miss licking it. I miss slurping the wet sticky juices from it. DAMN IT! I wish I didnt drop my Popsicle!
77. Why does a prostitute make more profit than a drug dealer?…because she can rewash her crack and sell it again!
78. Rub it gently, lick it slow, do it hard. Don’t los the stroke! It might taste nasty, but dats how u close an envelope!
79. Do me a favor and text me right back..just say hi or anything. My friends dont think special ED kids can text. But youll show them fuckers, wont you lil buddy!
80. Driving in the rain is like having sex doggy style – One slip and you can fuck up someone’s rear end! So drive safe!
81. BREAKING NEWS!!!! Scientist bred a nigger & an octopus and ended up with a 8 row cotton picker that runs on fried chicken!
82. What does a black woman get 4 having an abortion? …A thank you card from welfare & a $200 check from crime stoppers!
83. Police r looking 4 a person that steals vibrators, swallows & loves it up the butt. What should I do? Should I tell them I haven’t seen you or wut?
84. **Daily Thought** Some people are like slinkies. They’re not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs!
85. What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hour for a two minute ride!
86. Whats the difference between your job and your wife? … After 5 yrs…you job still sucks!
87. How can you tell your woman is havin a bad day? …She has her tampon behind her ear and cant find her cigarette!
88. What better than roses on a piano?…Tulips on an organ!
89. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? …He forgot to wrap his Whopper!
90. Whats the difference between erotic and kinky? …Erotic is using a feather …Kinky is using the whole chicken!
91. U know ur moms mad at u when she says, “I shouldve swallowed ur little ass when I had the chance!”
92. REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY …Sodas… My wife gives good head but SODAS her sister!
93. Someone just called and said there’s a crazy person running down the street in shit stained underwear. Where the fuck are you at? Ill come pick you up!
94. Man says to his doctor, “I get an erection everytime I look in the mirror.” Doctor syas, “Makes sense to me, you look like a pussy.”
95. Dad cooks a deer & doesn’t tell the kids what it is, he gives on clue, its what your mom calls me! The boy yells it a fuckin dick dont eat it!
96. Have you heard about the new medication doctors are giving depressed lesbians? It’s called “Trydicagain”
97. :Question:..If a bitch with big titties works at Hooters…Shouldn’t a bitch with one leg work at Ihop?
98. I just made you open your phone for nuthin. Its great havin your ass in check. Whose my bitch? You’re my bitch …now close your damn phone!
99. Whats the difference between Like, Love and Show off? …Spit, swallow and garggle!
100. 3 hilbilly’s r sit’n in a diner jackin’ off. The waitress asks, “What the hell r u doin?” They pointed to the sign. (First Come first serve)
101. My wife told me 2 make luv like n the movies. So I stuck it in her ass & came on her face. She got mad. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.
102. A guy gets on a plane with 6 kids. A woman says “Awww, are these your kids?”He says “No, I work for Trojan, they are customer complaints!
103. Sex is like spades. If u don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand!
104. A girl tapes a dollar bill under her belly button & shows her friend. He says “What the hell is this?” Girl says “All you can eat under a dollar!”
105. This is a courtesy TEXT from adult video. We’d like to remind you that the DVD “Anal Sex with Male Goats” is 4 weeks past due. Please return ASAP
106. Things Mexican men do after sex: 2% eat, 3% smoke, 4% take a shower, 5% go to sleep & 86 % go home 2 their wives.
107. It’s not politically correct to call a “Whore” a whore anymore… They are called “Testicle Drainage Technicians”
108. 5 Stages of sex: At 18 u luv it, at 28 u beg 4 it, at 38 u pay 4 it, at 48 u pray 4 it, at 58 u hear about it!
109. The male sex life: At 18 you get it Tri-Weekly. At 38 you Try Weekly. At 58 Try Weakly
110. Bungee jumping is like getting a blow job from an ugly chick… It feels awesome but holy shit, don’t look down!
111. Why men like blow jobs…12% like the feeling… 8% like the domination… and 80% just like the fucking silence…
112. What do you call 6 old ladies lying naked on the front lawn of a nursing home? Retired prostitutes having a yard sale!
113. Next time u call in sick 2 work, tell em u have Anal Blindness. If they ask what that is? Tell em “I don’t see my ass comin 2 work today!”
114. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of encyclopedias. No longer needed. Got married.. Bitch fuckin knows it all!
115. Q: Why were hurricanes normally named after women? A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and your car with them.
116. Why do women have 2 sets of lips? One for pissing you off and one for apologizing!
117. Hey I wanted 2 ask u 4 a big favor. Im tryin 2 set up a haunted house 4 halloween & I need some ugly people. How much do you charge?
118. How to satisfy a woman: Spoil, kiss, rub, lick, tease, pamper, cuddle, worship, respect and love her. How to satisfy a man: Swallow!
119. You girlfriend might be a redneck if she can suck dick while chewin tobacco and still know which one to spit and which to swallow!
120. WAIT! STOP EVERYTHING UR DOING! Now think about me for 3 secs…1…2…3… U just experienced the best 3 seconds of your life, ur welcome!
121. IM SO PISSED!! I ost 2 retards today. 1 at Chucky Cheese, 1 at Wal-Mart, and WHERE THE HELL R U?
122. A penis says to his balls “Im takin yall 2 a party.” The balls say “Fucking liar, u always go inside and leave us outside knocking!”
123. A Horny husband was helping his wife set up a password 4 a computer, he typed in PENIS. The wife fell over laughing when it said NOT LONG ENOUGH TRY AGAIN
124. Have you heard about McDonald’s new menu item? It’s a deep fried pickle called… McDildo
125. Women’s reaction to dick size: 9″ pain, 8″ WOW, 7″ heaven, 6″ Perfect, 5″ mmm ok, 4″ Push harder, 3″ Fuck it, use your tongue!
126. Definition of Disappointment: Running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose first.
127. Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed. Little Bo Peep was giving him head. As he came, she started to weep. She knew by the taste, he’d been fucking her sheep!!
128. Y dont blondes talk during sex? Cause their mom always told them “dont talk 2 strangers”
129. Obama keeps preaching Change… Do you know what that means? C.H.A.N.G.E.: Come Help A Nigga Get Elected
130. A boy says to his dad, “Can you and momy do it doggystyle?” The dad asked “WHAT! Why?” the boy says cause I want a puppy!

As a special gift this time around I have the number to the Psychiatric Hotline for you to call! and believe me it will make you laugh. Pass these numbers around to your friends!

• 603-413-4133
• 650-388-1117

Either number will work! They are both the same!